Where Do I Turn Now?

For anyone that has been following my journey you will know that I believe I have a problem with pain killers, specifically Endone and OxyContin, after being on them every single day for the past 11 months. Ever since being admitted to hospital all the way back then. You will also know that I took the tough step to see my Doctor today to get the help I need to get off them.

So with my anxiety through the roof, I spoke out and asked my Doctor for help today. And I tell you that was so fucking hard. And as today was her last day before she goes on holidays for 3 weeks she informed me that we would deal with it when she returned from her holidays and she wrote a script for another months supply of these pain killers that are fucking with me so bad.

So being a bit dumb founded would sound a bit right, but it’s not like I can do much at the moment. I really just don’t know what the fuck to do or where to turn now with this. Do I really want to wait another 3 weeks and continue getting worse? Hell no I don’t. But what choice do I have.

I have tried to just not take these pills myself and I have started getting stomach cramps, the sweats, headaches, a bit of vomiting and feeling totally like shit within a few hours. Like last night I didn’t take any before heading to bed and I couldn’t get to sleep. I started sweating so bad my pillow was soaked with sweat and the pain in the stomach was so bad I wanted to just scream. I took some pills and about 45 minutes later I was feeling a bit better and then could get to sleep. You think I have a problem? Yeah, bloody so do I …

Where the fuck do I turn now? What the fucking hell do I do now? Do I just give up and wait 3 weeks til she gets back … But even then after today what the hell is she going to do? Is she just going to write another script and put it off again. I can’t keep doing this … I want to get off these fucking horrible addictive fucking things.

Doctors + Pain Killers

So it turns out that my Doctor is going on a 2 1/2 weeks holiday. And it just happens to be at the time when next government authority script is due. So I am having to see her on her last day, which is this Wednesday. But there is no way she will be able to get the authority script then as it will be like 2 weeks early. And there is also the fact that I have to discuss the fact that I now feel I am addicted to the 2 pain killers and how I am constantly having to take more and more just to get through a damn day and can’t sleep without them no matter how much I try.

I have been trying to skip doses and extend how long between doses myself however I start getting stomach cramps, going into sweats and getting massive headaches. I am starting to think I might have to look into a treatment plan which might involve having to spend a couple weeks (at least) in a rehab program (not something I really want to do) – but I might not have a choice in that if I want to get off this which I do.

I will make another post after I see my doctor on Wednesday with hopefully a plan of what we are going to do to get me off this fucking pain killers after going on 11 months now.

Are You Really My Friend?

A couple of hours ago I made a Facebook post about how I am feeling about most of my so-called friends. Every time I seem to make plans or am wanting to there is always an excuse as to why they can’t or won’t. And if we do make plans at the very last minute everyone seems to cancel. Something¬†always seems to come up. It is really annoying me as this has now been going on for sometime.

All I am wanting is my friends to be there for me just like I have always been there for them, no matter what. I know that some of my friends are finding things difficult with certain health issues that I am going through, but still that doesn’t mean they can treat me any different. It’s not like they can catch my illnesses.

So, I’ve had to make the decision to put a stop to it. From now on I am not going to be the person who always makes the first point of contact (messenger, text message, phone call, email etc). People can contact me first for a change. And if people don’t wanna do things (catch up, have coffee, have lunch or whatever) then what is the point of being my friend?

So, start being my friend (properly) or just fuck the hell off and leave me alone. I have enough dramas going on at the moment and I really don’t need the extra stress from you pretending to be my friend.

Blah … Says It All

Tonight I am sitting at home waiting for my eggs to boil and watching Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I haven’t long had my Endone and OxyContin. In a lot of pain tonight and I am so over it. But the problem now also seems to be that when I have my pain relief it makes me feel sick in the stomach. Just what I need on top of everything else.

It feels a bit hot at the moment too, even though it is 8pm it is still 20’C. I have my fan on and the doors wide open whilst wearing only my tradie boxers and a sleeveless shirt. And my body heats up enough with my diabetes, but also with my pain relief it heats me up even more. I think I might have to have a cold shower soon too. I need to cool myself down a bit.

I am trying to make a really tough decision, I need to decide if I want to continue my 3rd round of chemo. I have informed my oncologist that is she agrees to make sure I have enough pain relief to get me through then I will consider restarting it. But there is no way that I will without her first making sure I have enough. I am sick of running out and then having to wait up to a week before I can get more.

I have decided that I am also not going to be posting every single day (unless I want to) and I will be posting it least every couple of days. This way there will be things to write about instead of stuff rambling daily shit, unless there is actually things going on. Anyway that’s enough for now, my eggs are ready to be cooled, peeled and eaten. Yum!

Don’t Want To Go On

There is so much happening that I just don’t know where I am coming or going anymore. I know that I have been in my Central Coast unit for about 6 months now, ever since being discharged from Mona Vale Hospital after spending a few months in there. One of the longest stints I have ever had in hospital.

And now there is so many personal and health issues going on that I am just not coping with it very good. For the last 9 months now I have been having to take Endone and OxyContin pain relief just to get through day to day. The last 5 days has been hell as I haven’t had any pain relief. I can’t get more til tomorrow due to the type of script that I have to get for them.

All I have been wanting to do lately is give up and end it. Everything has become all too much. I have been through a hell of a lot of shit in my life and it’s just a never ending story. It’s just constantly one thing after another and I can’t take no more.

The most easiest way out of everything would be a massive insulin overdose. I know it would work. But I can not do it. It would hurt too many people. I really shouldn’t think about that but I do. There are some people in my life that I care about and don’t want to hurt. But I just don’t know how to keep going on.

Before going into hospital I was homeless on and off for 27 years. A hell of a long time. It is good to not be sleeping rough anymore. However things were so much easier when I was. I would not be dealing with my health and for a lot of my issues I wouldn’t even know about them as I wouldn’t have got checked up. Sometimes I just want to throw this place in and go back out there. But with the way my health now is I wouldn’t last. And the cold would get to me now too … I don’t think I would be able to handle going back to the beach for a swim to shower each day. I love my hot showers every day, several times a day, whenever I want one really. It really is just the small things that are getting me through day to day.

Anyway I am just rambling on a bit now … So I will end it there for now and write again soon.

No More Pain Meds

The next 5 days is going to be a bit of a difficult week. I am now out of pain medication and can not get anymore until the end of next week. Because my pain relief medication is under a government authority script, I am only permitted a certain amount over a month period. I think my doctor needs to change the monthly amount on the next script so I actually have enough to get through the month.

I might have to also discuss with the doctor about changing the actual dose. That might help a little bit. But will have to wait to see what she says on Friday. But for now the next 5 days ahead is going to be a bit difficult to get through. But I will manage, somehow.

New Website Update

I had a lot of people following my blog on my other website. Due to some issues with my previous personal domain I have decided that it would be best for me to start a fresh. So I decided to register this domain name which is my nickname. It also means that I can do a lot more with my website now also. But I will look into that in the future.

Over the coming days and weeks you will notice my website start taking shape to where I want it to be. I will be adding in a lot of features where users can interact with me more then ever before. I will also be setting a goals of posting at least 3 news posts a week (hopefully more) whilst at the same time keeping it real. Especially with how my health is.

I am considering adding in a gallery at some stage also, but not 100% sure how I want this to work at the moment. It is something that I have to give a bit more thought. But in the mean time you can follow me on Instagram, Twitter or Facebook at the links in the right side menu. From there you can also directly email me.

Welcome to IamKangy

G’day there and welcome to my personal website.

This is the personal website of IamKangy from the Central Coast of New South Wales in Australia.

Please Note: All views and opinions on this site are that of IamKangy unless otherwise stated.