It is currently 5.43am and I have been awake for going on 6 hours now. I slept a lot yesterday as I had a bit of a tummy bug. Must have just been a 24 hour bug as I am feeling a lot better this morning, apart from being tired as hell and in still in a lot of pain from my foot. I really don’t know how much more of this I can actually handle. It has been going on for going on 12 months now, even with nearing to 3 months in hospital as a result.
Overnight I have taken 2 lots of pain medication and it is finally starting to kick in a bit now. But there is still pain there. But just not as bad as when I woke near midnight, where I could hardly walk from my bed to the bathroom and back.
I am struggling in so many areas of my life that I have had to make some really tough decisions of late. And one of those things were removing people from my life they were being toxic to my improvement and moving forward with my life. One of those people I had known for nearly 15 years and it was just time to say good-bye and do what is best for myself.
And for those of you that have noticed, yes I am talking to my birth mother again. And have for a little while now and it is going fantastic. But slow steps. Our relationship will never be perfect due to issues that I have caused many decades ago, but we are not talking about those and just looking forward to the future. I am so pleased to have her back in my life. And I am hoping in time I will be able to have communication with other family members also, but I am not sure on if that will occur. But all I can do is take things day by day right now.
I can’t believe that I have been in my little unit for nearly 10 months plus now. Don’t get me wrong, it is a major struggle. But I do have support and am taking things day by day and trying to improve on my life. I am getting too old now to continue with the old lifestyle that I used to live.
Recently, I had some thinking to do and spent a night out on the street in my old stomping ground. It was Summer so shouldn’t be too bad right? Wrong. I was such a mess the next morning. I don’t think I could ever go back to living that type of lifestyle anymore. My body, mind and health just couldn’t handle it anymore. Also, I have come too far recently to go back to that life. Now, there are times I say I wish I could go back to it and I want to, but I know I can’t. And nor will I if I can help it. It is not a life that I ever want to go back to.
There is still a lot of areas of my life that I need to work on. But I have to take things slowly. I can’t move too quick and work on too many issues at once as it will just cause more stress and anxiety in the end. And if I really want these changes to work, which I do, I need to take things slowly and one step at a time.
I am thankful for the support and good friends that I do have. I have a few locally and most of them are overseas, in the USA and UK. But even though they are so far away, they are only a Facebook message or email away. I am so thankful to have such wonderful friends. And now my Mumma is being a great support also. Which is another thing I am very thankful for. To have her back in my life.
Anyway, that is enough for now, I will keep doing regular posts. I am thinking of daily or every second day posts. Even though they would be smaller then this massive post, it would mean that I am posting more often and keeping those who are interested in my life, which is a lot of people for some reason.
Write to you all again very soon. Lots of love from me to you … xxx