There is so much happening that I just don’t know where I am coming or going anymore. I know that I have been in my Central Coast unit for about 6 months now, ever since being discharged from Mona Vale Hospital after spending a few months in there. One of the longest stints I have ever had in hospital.
And now there is so many personal and health issues going on that I am just not coping with it very good. For the last 9 months now I have been having to take Endone and OxyContin pain relief just to get through day to day. The last 5 days has been hell as I haven’t had any pain relief. I can’t get more til tomorrow due to the type of script that I have to get for them.
All I have been wanting to do lately is give up and end it. Everything has become all too much. I have been through a hell of a lot of shit in my life and it’s just a never ending story. It’s just constantly one thing after another and I can’t take no more.
The most easiest way out of everything would be a massive insulin overdose. I know it would work. But I can not do it. It would hurt too many people. I really shouldn’t think about that but I do. There are some people in my life that I care about and don’t want to hurt. But I just don’t know how to keep going on.
Before going into hospital I was homeless on and off for 27 years. A hell of a long time. It is good to not be sleeping rough anymore. However things were so much easier when I was. I would not be dealing with my health and for a lot of my issues I wouldn’t even know about them as I wouldn’t have got checked up. Sometimes I just want to throw this place in and go back out there. But with the way my health now is I wouldn’t last. And the cold would get to me now too … I don’t think I would be able to handle going back to the beach for a swim to shower each day. I love my hot showers every day, several times a day, whenever I want one really. It really is just the small things that are getting me through day to day.
Anyway I am just rambling on a bit now … So I will end it there for now and write again soon.