I am not sure if I will get through all this post right now as it is 2am and I am tired as hell and still in a lot of pain (as always), but I also have to try to get some sleep as I am going out a bit later to get some seafood for lunch and then down to the waterfront for a little bit at Ettalong. But I will try to finish it and get it published for I try to hit the pillow for a bit as my alarm is set for 8am to have a shower and begin getting ready for a day out.
So, yesterday was a bit of an OMG day. Everything just went totally wrong and I just could not handle it all. One of my caseworkers called my primary caseworker (who also happens to be the Program Manager) who again, pretty much dropped everything rang me that he was out the front and we went and had a burger, a drink and a chat at Hungry Jacks about what was going on. Turns out someone was worried and honestly there was good reason too.
But right now I must be honest as I don’t see the point in bullshitting about anything anymore. There is no point, it doesn’t get you anywhere and usually makes things worse.
That being said. The way I am feeling right at this very second is time is that I just can’t do this anymore. I know, I have come so fucking far in the last 20 months, but you just don’t understand what this is also doing to my head. I am sick of putting on the happy go lucky face all the fucking time that everything here is great and I am so proud of how far I have come. Well, I am not. I am sick of saying I am only slightly struggling in some areas. Well, I am really fucking struggling to hang in there and I am about ready to just throw in the fucking towel because I have had enough. Again, you just wouldn’t understand unless you are in my shoes, which none of you are, have you ever been, nor will you ever. I don’t deserve to be here. I don’t deserve another chance at life. I should be dead, especially with the last thing that happened about 4 years ago now.
Yes, my depression is hitting really fucking hard right now and I am not sure why. But this is what I want to do. Pack my backpack up with my main things and just leave. Tell no one. Just up and leave. Not like some of them would really give a fuck anyway. Yes, I am also fully aware what that would mean the Doctors and Specialist have made sure I know perfectly well what will happen if I return to sleeping in a park or on a concrete fucking slab again. But honestly, right now I don’t give two flying fucks about it.
You’re probably thinking why don’t I deserve a break? Why don’t I deserve to be here? Well, I just don’t and I can’t really answer as to why that is because I don’t even fucking know myself. That is how I feel right now and nothing can change that.
Whether this is just the lack of sleep that is a constant daily thing or it is the pain I am in right now or it is everything combined together this is totally 100% how I feel. Right now I am struggling not to open that door and just walk away from everything and everyone. If I just hang in there I might feel better later in the day, but I might not either. I can’t say how I am going to feel if I can get some decent sleep or how my mindset will be a bit later on.
But for right now, I am going to end this here, have a smoke and then try and get some sleep since my medication has FINALLY started kicking in fully. Obviously you will find out what has happened and what I have decided soon. Hopefully I can just keep going on the way I am and I don’t just throw the last 20 months away because of how I am feeling and because of one really fucking crappy shitty day yesterday.