Firstly I think it would be best to tell you what the definition meaning of anxiety actually is.
noun: anxiety; plural noun: anxieties
1. a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome
2. a nervous disorder marked by excessive uneasiness and apprehension, typically with compulsive behavior or panic attacks
3. a strong desire or concern to do something or for something to happen
Anxiety is something that I have been dealing with for a very long time. It is something that I also have to take medication for. Sometimes multiple times a day. But then there can be days that I don’t need to take it at all. The doses have had to change over the years as my anxiety got worse, to the point where I have been taught on how much to take depending on how serve my anxiety is at the time.
I do not know what started my anxiety or exactly when it began. But I do know that it was decades ago. I believe it started when I was living on the streets at a time when I was working The Wall on Darlinghurst Road in Kings Cross. For those that are not aware of what The Wall is, it is a spot in Kings Cross when young boys go and rent themselves to other men for money, a place to stay or drugs. Not long after I started living on the street when I arrived in Sydney after leaving my home town I was shown by other people in a refuge I was living in about this place. And I worked it for years. And then began my years of using drugs to get through the things you would have to do. I am not going to go into details about this, it is not a thing very many people know about. But as soon as this post is published it is then out there. It is a part of my life that I am ashamed of, but it is also apart of my life and nothing is ever going to change that. I believe it was somewhere around this time that my anxiety actually start, but I just can not remember what brought it on.
How does my anxiety affect me?
It affects me in various ways, depending on the situation or the place I am at. I can not handle large crowds, this also includes being on public transport (a bus or train) during peak hour or when it is packed full of people. If a lot of people get on, I get off and wait until another comes along with not many people on the transport. I can sometimes get away with it if I have my music blaring in my ears and have had a dose of my anxiety medication at least 30 minutes prior (that gives time for it to kick into my system).
As a result of my anxiety I don’t go out much, which was very hard when I was living on the streets. I would always be on my own and make sure that I am in a place where there is next to no people around when I am there. It has for sure been a rough and tough life living with this horrid disease.
The medication that I am on for my anxiety is also a muscle relaxant and does make you drowsy (depending on the dose I have to take). But it doesn’t put me to sleep. I wish it did then I would be sleeping every night instead of getting a brief nap here and there and sometimes going days on end without any sleep at all. Which is bad for my health … as you should be able to understand.
I am about to start seeing a psychologist how maybe able to help me come up with ways on dealing with my anxiety when an attack comes on. I am not sure if it will work or not, but I do have to at least try and see what happens. It can’t hurt right?
I totally believe it is because of my anxiety which is why I prefer being on my own and not having other people around me. I usually lock myself away a lot … which people do not understand. When I was living with some people for a short period of time I would always be in my room unless I had to go out into a common area. This really annoyed them and I do understand that, and the problem is I couldn’t really explain this to them and they really wouldn’t have understood anyway.
Anyway that is enough on this topic from me … If you have any questions post them in the comments section below and I will reply to them when I get a chance to